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Adoption Life Book Tips
Copyright beth O’Malley 2008
These tips first appeared in my monthly newsletter. Some were sent in by readers. Most are
inspired by my day-to-day living; as an adoptee, adoptive Mom, or adoption social worker.
The lifebook tips always short, because no one has a lot of time.
The tips are in no set order….
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Adoption Lifebook Tip
Also big with kids, especially smaller ones,
are using words that make sounds.
"You squeeeled like this
on your first plane ride eeeeh eeeh!”
“The first thing you did when Momma
held you,
was to cry WAAAAAAAH”
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Adoption Lifebook Tip
I heard from a mom out west, whose home
was surrounded by forest fires. She got out in time.
In her hand, was her daugther's lifebook.
Last year, at a workshop,a mom shared that she lost
all her daugther's original lifebook information
in her office at the World Trade Center.
I am reminded of how important it is
to make copies---not only after you complete the lifebook
but as you create it. Don't trust your computer.
Print out copies as you go along
Adoption Lifebook Tip
Another reason to print out the pages:
If you are typing text
on a computer,
print it out the pages.
Often the words look different
and it's easier to edit.
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Adoption Lifebook Tip
---------Think Positive--------
We tend to judge situations
and want to protect our kids.
For example, a baby born premature
and weighing 4 pounds.
Yikes.
Or birth complications
with breathing.
Think survival.
Think fighter.
Think winner.
Paint the lifebook page
with a picture of the doctors
and nurses, moving quickly
working hard
to keep your baby alive.
Talk about your "baby"
being so curious
that they got born early.
That they couldn't wait
to come into this world.
That they wouldn't give up.
Their body was sooo tiny.
But their spirit was huge!!!!
Maybe their spirit had a conversation
with their little heart
and said " pump harder".
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Adoption Lifebook Tip
Caution! Expect to get your buttons pushed
as you create the adoption lifebook.
To think about your child alone, crying, or possibly
getting hurt is too much to imagine without sorrow for
most parents. Any parent.
And professionals? Reliving abuse and neglect
through a child's eyes is enough to make you sick.
Or sad. Or really angry.
Start on a lifebook page which is easy and straightforward.
Experience success without getting wacked
with grief.
An adoption lifebook is a process and a product.
A journey which is life altering.
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Adoption Lifebook Tip
Keep It Simple
Once you get started writing,
sometimes the pages
just take off.
Resist the urge to keep writing.
Less is more with lifebooks.
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Adoption Lifebook Tip
Adoption & Memory:
When was the last time you were late,
stressed, and couldn't remember where
you put the car keys?
Don't forget that kids 'forget'
when they are stressed out as well.
Or when adoption info gets discussed.
Sometimes it seems as though your child
recalls every single detail.
Othertimes, you say to your self
"But we just talked about that.
How could they not remember?"
Add to that memory piece, the fact
that the information gets reworked,
at each new developmental stage.
Adoption is a lifelong conversation.
Adoption Lifebook Tip
Sleep on it.
Now!
Read you pages outloud.
To yourself.
Your partner.
A co-worker (they will probably
want to just read it).
How did that feel?
Did the words flow?
Did they work for the age of the child?
Speak to you senses?
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Adoption Lifebook Tip
Julie Matuzak from Detroit MI
writes:" I did enlist a friend as an
editor, which has been very helpful.
Her job is to " fact check" and
catch my assumptions
and projections.
In time, children will
ask " How do you know that?"
Be prepared to cite your source
or thoughts.
The lifebook is the
child's truth.
We are all entitled to our story.
Adoption Lifebook Tip
Some families truly have
no birth info.
or early foster home
or orphanage info.
What can you do?
Feel free to expand.
Reader Katy Slater, from Florida,
suggests trying search terms ie
" this day in history".
( I like www.goggle.com)
She has also searched US Today archives
to check out the headlines on her child's birthday.
I bet older kids would especially
enjoy this!
Time Capsule Website: no cost
https://dmarie.com/timecap/step1.asp
headlines, toys, movies,
famous people born on same date
Or try:
https://www.dayofbirth.co.uk/
Discover how many days until
your next birthday, how many seconds
old you are. Plus other links.free
Or try:
https://www.historychannel.com/tdih/
History Channel: This day in
history. Categories include
general interest, entertainment,
old west, technology.
Not all kid friendly but
lots of potential.free
Adoption Lifebook Tip
Decisions Decisions
The minute you put pen to paper
or finger to keyboard,
you have to decide on basic wording.
By that, I mean grammar stuff.
Do you write the text in 'second person?"
" You were placed in a small
basket outside the police station."
This is, as if, you are
telling the story to your child.
Or "First person"?
" I was placed in a small basket
outside the police station."
To refresh your english 101 memory,
It is 'as if' you are the person
experiencing or writing the text.
Or there is always "third person."
" She/He was placed in a small basket
outside the police station."
Sounds like a novel.
Pretty distant.
My vote?
I go for " You were placed",
which is what? Oh yes.
Second person.
I feel very strongly that unless
your child actually writes
the text----
stay away from " first person"
or the use of "I."
Yes , this is the child's book.
Yes it is their story.
But they have no memory of these events.
And then they read the word "I".
Feels confusing.
Plus it feels as though
you are putting words
in their mouth.
Injecting memories.
I prefer to draw it out
via artwork...decorating.
Pull for their words
or fantasies.
Once again,
this is personal preference.
I prefer "You".
Adoption Lifebook Tip
Capturing Memories
Have you noticed that there are
certain windows of opportunities
in adoption?
Maybe it's when you get one chance
to ask questions.
In the foster home or orphanage.
Or perhaps you've adopted older children
and they don't speak the english language.
Adoption expert Corinne Rayburn says,
"Lose the language--and you lose the experience"
The memories are trapped inside without
the words/language to free them.
Here's an idea.
What about getting a cheap tape recorder?
Or one of those fancier recording machines.
Have a translator
interview your child on tape.
Make a list of questions
about their life in the birth country.
Prime lifebook material.
You may also want to explore
some of the more unpleasant experiences
so that you can help them fully.
If you wait just a few months.
It's too late.
Lose the language
Lose the experience.
Adoption Lifebook Tip
Traveling to pick up your child?
Too overwhelmed to write?
Talk into it every night.
Easy.
Or have one one of the translators
interview your child on tape.
Prime Life Book material.
Adoption Lifebook Tip
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Easy and No time Involved
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Isn't it the smallest changes
that sometimes lead to great results?
Lorie Boutieller from Maryland,
adoptive mom, shared some great
ideas on photos.
Lorie says " vary the type
of pictures you take."
A dedicated scrapbooker, Lorie
recomends taking
---action shots
---silloquettes of just faces
---try out different angles
She likes to grab great photos
by " top shots" when she stands over
the person/scene,
Lorie, a Mom by birth to 2 boys,
took a family portrait before meeting
her daugther-to-be of age four.
She then cut out the background.
Leaving the outline of the family.
During the adoption transition,
Lorie developed some shots
of her new daugther.
She then cut one out and added it to
the family photo.
Needless to say, this was a powerful
visual message.
" You are part of our family"
Adoption Lifebook Tip
One mistaken belief is that the lifebook
needs to be pretty or craftsy.
Absolutely not!
I have never heard of any child
complaining to their parent or social worker
that the lifebook wasn't nice enough.
Have you?
Whatever you put down on paper
will become a masterpiece.
Promise.
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The Joy is in the Journey
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Try to remember
that making lifebooks
is a process.
I seldom hear
of people,
sitting down and voooop--writing
an entire lifebook
in a day or night.
Practice makes perfect.
The more comfortable you are
with the language,
the better you can communicate
with kids.
My monthly newsletter
serves not only
to give you new ideas,
personal adoptee experience
and new resources....
But it is a reminder.
Sometimes, just sometimes,
we all need that reminder.
or " Hey--
How's that lifebook going?”
Try this. Or look what worked
for so and so.
Sign up for my Monthly Newsletter.
https://www.adoptionlifebooks.com/signup-rev.htm
Holidays are over.
Winter is here.
Snow--rain---make for long Saturdays.
Summer vacation is a very far away.
In terms of the lifebook TEXT
Here are two approaches:
1. Sit down and just write.
Write as much of the story as you can.
Computer or hand written depending.
I prefer the computer.
When I started my daugther's text,
the next read through always meant
some word or page changes.
Write as long as you can.
Maybe go to the library
and rent a computer for an hour.
Or a friend's house.
2. Make a page outline
Go from start to finish
Title each page.
Work on each page individually.
Maybe out of order.
Try some stream of conscious writing
on ' harder pages'.
Get your notes in one pile.
Medical records, referral info.
Notes from travel.
International Families?
Not able to go inside the orphanage
when you adopted?
When you get home, start sending letters
to that orphanage.
Make sure they are translated.
Include pictures of your child.
At some point, send a disposible camera,
along with postage/mailing container.
Hope for the best.
Char Ottinger, from Illinois,
is living proof this works!
Domestic infant adoption?
Please get a picture of the birth mother,
even if it is an open adoption.
Don't assume contact.
And ask " where are the siblings
and how can I contact them?"
This doesn't mean
you have to search for them.
It just gives you options.
You will never know what you need
in the future.
International families hope that their
children receive excellent, tender care.
Disturbing news sometimes arises.
Kids get beaten in an orphanange,
sexually molested, or emotional meaness happens.
This is where the trauma resources
already developed, become valuable.
In terms of the lifebook and abuse:
If there is one message you get across---
it should be " you did not cause this abuse"
You were not " bad".
The grown ups in charge of you,
broke all the rules of caring for kids.
It's now our job to make sure you are safe,
amd that no one touches you in ways that are scary.
Easy Easy Easy
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Want something quick and easy?
Find out the day of the week
your child was born.
www.dayofbirth.co.uk
Here are some sample results.
Have fun!
Results for someone born
18th October 2003 :
You were born on a Saturday.
Your star sign is Libra.
The season was Autumn.
You are 0 years, 6 months, 22 days old.*
It is 192 days until your next Birthday.*
You are 174 days old.*
You are approximately 4,189 hours old.*
You are approximately 15,080,668 seconds old.*
More information on 18th October.
New Trends
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Folks in Michigan are getting together
for monthly lifebook sessions.
One member shares "there was a lot of
honest dialogue. Like what Moms are struggling
with....the hard things that make them
not want to write a lifebook"
" coming together to work on books is-
profound and powerful.This could be
a modern day quilting bee for adoptive Moms."
Word is, moms in California are doing the same.
It makes total sense to have "lifebook dates"
just like play dates.
Child free, quiet. Good work space.
Aren't you better with
calendar committments?
Special Info for China Moms
Have you heard of Dr.Kay Johnson
and her research on child abandonment?
It's info you 'got to know'
if you have adopted from China
Click on the following link to read more.
https://www.adoptionlifebooks.com/FoundFactsedited.pdf
Dr. Johnson's new book can be found
at amazon.com
I recently heard this reframe
from a child trauma therapist.
Can't claim it as my own.
She uses this story with children
who have been abused or neglected by a parent.
"What if you have a postman
that you love?
Everyday the postman brings you
the mail, says Hello, and then goes
to the next house.
Delivering the mail.
Each day, dropping off letters, is their job.
Now you really really love this postman.
What happens if they stop delivering
the mail?
Would you still love them?
" Yes"
But would you want them as your postman?
Wouldn't you want a postman
who does their job?
It's the same thing with a parent.
You can love your birthparent for the rest of your life.
But if they aren't doing their Mommy or Daddy job,
then it's time to get a new Mother or Father.
But still love your old parents.
Was the Sun Shining on My Birthday?
Find the weather for any state or country.
If you want weather for a
historical date i.e. your child's birthday,
Go to that country/city you want, enter that date
Free https://www.wunderground.com/
Private VS Secret
I often explain to families & kids
that some information
is family business.
Meant just for family ears and eyes.
It doesn't mean it's a secret.
Or bad.
Or shameful.
It's private.
Some stuff
is for the world to know.
Tee shirt material.
Loud and public.
Lifebook information is often
private.
Your own stuff.
Shared only with people
you really like and trust.
The problem with four year olds
is that they think most of this info
is very cool.
They don't have that sense of social norms.
So maybe they will announce in circle time
" my mother did bad drugs" or
" my mother has HIV" ( past and present tense easy to mix up)
" or I came from an airplane"
Makes you think carefully
about details
for pre-schoolers.
Heavy Conversation
I'd been working with a little boy,
(now age six) on his lifebook
for about two years.
We had talked about him having a birthmother
and birthfather. He had met his birth mom.
It was time to review the
"it takes a man and a woman to make a baby'
part to see what he was thinking.
I reexplained that he also had a birthfather.
And what did he think?
Roger wanted to know if his birthfather
was a person?
And did he live on earth?
Lucky for this little boy
I was going to meet his birth father
and get a picture.
(which is where artwork
does wonders for no pictures)
Always a good idea to check in
with kids as they get older--
to see what they are currently thinking.
Once is never enough
with adoption.
When in doubt
state the facts.
It's tempting to add assumptions
or feelings.
But feelings change--
yours and your child.
Easier to have the information
as best you know,
put down on paper.
One thing we know for sure
for every baby
is that they grew inside
their birth mother:
Fabulous Tip from Reader
Check out this text sent in by
a Tips Reader:
" Before you were born, you grew in a special
place called a womb inside another women's body.
We call that woman your birth mother.
You lived inside her body for 9 whole months,
just growing and waiting to be born,
and you may not remember this, but I know
you could hear her heart beating
--thump thump the entire time.
It kept you company."
Wasn't that great?
Thump thump thump.
And true for all, give or take
the exact time of the pregnancy.
Creating Preverbal Paper
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Does your child have a special blanket,
favorite shirt,
or is there something ethnic
or unique
which is special?
For example, special
fabric that is representative of
the country? Or state?
Try taking the material
to Staples
and having then scan it.
(onto glossy paper)
Use the paper
as a themed paper for some of the pages.
I think this will make
for a nice emotional connection
for some of the pages.
Preverbal stuff.
Idea by Dee Dice, adoptive Mom
from Martha's Vineyard
Adoption Today Magazine
published one of my articles
in their most recent August issue.(p.44)
It was my most personal article to date.
Hard for me to even reread.
About me and my birthmother.
They wanted a picture of the two of us
but that was just too hard to share.
Don't ask me why.
Then they asked about me and my daughter.
So I sent them my favorite photo.
BUT!
If you still haven't read the article click here:
https://www.adoption-works.com/mary_ruth_rose.htm
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